Great Expectations

Comparison and How It "Should Be" Steals Our Joy.  

This is a hard one but can really alter our lives and increase our joy and ability to actually be present.  Often times in any given moment we are comparing and evaluating the moment rather then actually being in it.  We think well this is how this moment should look, feel like or how it needs to be.  

I'm sure we've all been apart of holiday moments where we are trying so hard to have a moment that none of us are actually present in the moment.  

I completely understand the ideas of trying our best, creating meaningful traditions and memories and there is grace for these moments of good intentions.  I'm mainly addressing the letting go of expectations or possible judgements we may even be placing on our own hearts and what we feel or need.  

This holiday if you're going through a transition, loss, or change allow for your heart to be where it is.  Sometimes the idea of the holidays and how we think we "should be/ feel" doesn't line up with how our heart needs to work today.  If you're grieving it's okay to keep grieving, if your family is complicated and doesn't look like the holiday movies it's okay to allow yourself to find joy in making plans that make sense to you.  If you're alone this holiday allow yourself to enjoy holiday traditions if that feels good to you, or take a trip, or make your own new traditions that feel meaningful and allow yourself to see this as not better or worse just different. 

Stop the war you may be having with your heart and allow the holidays as is every day to be about grace and peace.  Start with your own heart first.  Let go of the "shoulds" and feel what you need to feel to be where you are with peace, acceptance and kindness for that heart of yours. 

5 Ways To Engage In The Holidays With Intention

Doing only the things that are important to you and your family and letting go of the holiday “to-do’s” that might actually be creating disconnection and not adding to joy.

I actually really love the holidays, at least I want to love them.  I completely get and understand not everyone does.  It dawned on me one year when I felt tired and relieved January 1st that I was letting plans, expectations and trying to live in the idea versus reality that I couldn't actually be able to feel present and enjoy them.  I knew there had to be a way to feel more meaning and connection.  It was hard as we started making some of these changes and having conversations with family to decrease the stress and expectations that had us frazzled. It's been noticeably altering in all the ways that really matter to us.   Here's a few tips to consider in creating holidays with intention.  

1. Ask yourself "Why am I doing this?".  Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, "why am I doing this?."  I think we often get into the expectation, tradition and busyness of the holiday season and feel like the holidays are happening to us and taking over.  Take a few moments before all the festivities begin and ask yourself some hard questions:
What are your priorities this holiday season in your life and the life of friends and family? Are there certain events and traditions that feel meaningful and important you want to make time for?
What do you want gift giving to feel like this year? Are you worried about keeping up with expectations of family and friends?  Being aware of these gives us an opportunity to actually look at them honestly, set intentions that really matter and to let go of the things that don't. 

2. Be willing to do things differently then others.  Have the hard conversations early in the season of letting family know that you are trying to get out of debt or are changing the way that you celebrate. Usually I find others are feeling similarly overwhelmed themselves.   I love to give and receive thoughtful notes and gifts however I found the holidays to be a time of stress, fighting crowds and buying things for the sake of buying something.  When I talked to my family about this it was more emotional then I expected.  For some it was very important that they be able to give something.  We ended up compromising and taking a trip and only giving one gift instead.  The difference felt so noticeable and freeing as I wasn't powering through the mail or spending countless hours hunting online.   Start with a check-in discussion and maybe even suggest alternatives that would feel better but in the end stick to what you need.  The holidays shouldn't be financially and emotionally destructive which unfortunately when we don't take inventory or set boundaries they can be.  We may inspire them to rethink the expectations they have also been struggling to meet.

3. Focus on the giving & gratitude. Giving is the heart of the holiday season right?  But what does that need to actually look like? And as I said earlier how do I want this to feel?  Like a stress or obligation?  Or could it possibly be something that feels connected and inspiring.   Besides giving thoughtful gifts to family and friends, there are ways that you and your family can give to others. Many organizations have campaigns this time of year and getting involved locally gives a sense of community to your giving at soup kitchens, shelters, or refugee centers to help those in your own city.  Speaking of connection giving time and attention is a life altering intention. Start by spending quality time together with family and friends.

4. Think about how the holidays can really look.  Rather than having unrealistic images and expectations of the holidays, take a few moments to think of what it could look like. Take time to envision the holiday season and involve everyone in the process. This holiday can reflect your values, beliefs, and intentions.

5. Give patience to yourself and others.  Be sure to let yourself enjoy this season. If you're getting stressed, take a breath and refocus. If others push their expectations on you or disregard your wishes, extend grace to them but remain committed to your vision for the holidays.  Understand that the expectations and traditions are emotionally triggering so try to communicate with understanding, but continue to be committed to creating an atmosphere where you can be present and experience joy.   

I think most of us want less stress during the holiday season and more time to enjoy those closest to us.  This is not about giving less or doing less, it’s about intention, being present and having meaning.   It's freeing to realize our choices, boundaries and intentions can create that. 

Attached

Making sense of how we connect through the lense of how we attach in our relationships.

Most of us aren't very familiar with the ideas behind attachment theory and certainly aren't aware how powerful a role it plays in how we connect with others and engage in our relationships.  As we grow in our understanding this week I hope it provides clarity, increased connection and ways we can show up more fully.  Take a moment today to consider what comes to your mind as you think of the words trust, closeness and connection.

Those three words are the foundation to how we attach and our struggles that can often come up in our relationships.  Attaching simply means an emotional bond with another person.   The more intimate the relationship the more we are seeking getting our needs met by them and desiring closeness from this person. For some of us closeness and connection doesn't feel like a fearful process, however for many feeling anxious about our relationships or being uncomfortable with being close can often be a significant source of distress and confusion in our relationships. 

The three main types of how we attach are Secure, Anxious and Avoidant.  Let me be very clear-- we ALL want closeness and connection, even if we're avoidant and move away from closeness it's something we all want and need.  I think honestly this is what causes so much pain and confusion.  The very thing we want we may be engaging in a way that it makes it difficult to get and give.  When we don't understand our patterns and reactions to feelings of closeness/ vulnerability it can be rather painful and confusing for ourselves and our partners. We might also be taking responsibility or personalizing someone else's way of attaching that has nothing to do with us.  A good visual to sum up the differences : anxious pulls on others, avoidant pushes away and secure stands still.  

Let's explore anxious attachment... this is driven by the main fear "I want to be close to others but they might not want to be close to me" Fears that we may be difficult to love, or scarcity fears that love and connection are scarce and difficult to have/find usually drive this behavior. {Next week we'll be talking about what to do with our thoughts that impact/ drive our behaviors} It's interesting how this anxiety/fear can look like both a push and pull in our relationships... for some it's all pull but for others we may want to "test" the stability of our partner by pushing... this can create the opposite of closeness that you may desire and at times can create "drama". Where there feels like a push and pull and relational insecurity instead of stability. If this is you there are ways to engage and address this to create more satisfaction and less fear... a huge step in this direction is understanding and awareness... recognizing the fears and triggers that create the push/ pull and learning new ways to engage your fears.

As we look at avoidant attachment it looks very different but ironically is also driven by fears.  The fears can be similar and sound like "people won't really love me/ accept me if they knew me"  or it can sound more like uber Independence "I don't want to need anyone or anyone need me".  Even though this particular fear sounds like Independence it's often actually driven by not wanting to be hurt/ rejected or disappointed.  The true reality with avoidant attachment is it's often unsatisfying due to lack of closeness/ intimacy which you can't have if you are always protecting your heart by keeping it at a distance from others.  What becomes a very painful combination is the combination of anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.  One person is constantly moving towards the other feeling anxiety while the other is pulling away creating a cycle of pain, disconnection and confusion.  Like anxious attachment if this particular style resonates with you learning to deal with your fear and pain differently becomes key steps to altering your relationships. 

I hope this gave you an increased understanding of attachment. The hope and goal continues to be giving and receiving love more fully.  Clearly there's more to being able to do this then just understanding our possible barriers in our attachment style.  It's one step in the awareness process .  I do hope you continue to ask the powerful question "Is the person I'm seeking connection from capable of being emotionally available?"  "Are there ways in which I am not letting love in or out?"   brave work, hard but freeing questions.

Blank pages. In-betweens and loss.

Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know.” ― Pema Chödrön

A blank page of any sort can be terrifying— a blank screen, an empty house maybe the loss that “they’re not going to be around anymore tomorrow or the
next day or the next day” or “we worked together for however many years
and now we’re not going to work together anymore.” 

Uncertainty and change that finds us and isn't planned on or chosen can be painful, confusing and be a catalyst for fears.  There are no nice neat answers, formula's to remove discomfort or uncertainty and no clarifying perspectives that help us make sense of it in the initial moment.  We can be flooded with the unnerving feeling "it's not supposed to be like this" or " this isn't what I've planned". 

The reality of change, loss and uncertainty is we do get through it, we always do and it is not the end of the story.  It isn't a clear cut process and actually it often is a great clarifier and invitation to move us into needed change and acceptance and letting go.  

I recognize acceptance and letting go is not an easy task , it never is.  However it is a task that frees us and creates space for other things.  Ironically it can actually move us into better things or a greater sense of healing and peace if we let it.  If we stop trying to fix it, fight it, but allow ourselves to move through it.   Maybe it isn't the problem it initially seems to be. Sometimes it's an answer or a process we really needed.   

Being where you are today fully is no small task, especially if there is grieving in this day.  Just take it one day at a time.  Can I accept today as it is?  Can I trust and surrender that I won't always feel this way and that I don't know how tomorrow will feel, be and hold for me but I am inviting myself towards greater peace and acceptance today. 

You don't have to get it all figured out today.. you can't.  Just be in today and allow hope to meet you in this place.  You can be okay, more then okay and  your story can and will continue and hold good things for you and loss can remain loss too.  There's room for it all including the often times messy package hope and healing come in. 

Becoming an Active Creator of Your Life: Facing Fear

Active creator: Recognizing we can place energy, intention and choices that shape and create our lives.  

We are creating our lives whether we acknowledge it or not. This of course does not mean we can control everything, but it does mean how we engage, show-up and the choices we make have an impact on our lives and the lives of others.  

The first and often hardest step towards being a consciously active creator of our life is allowing ourselves to move through fear.  To see that it possibly isn't as powerful or accurate as we think it is or that we need to wait for it's absence before taking the first step.  I talk to countless innovators, people experiencing success, taking vulnerable steps in relationships and towards change who all can say despite any successes they experience it is a continual facing of fears.   That the feeling of vulnerability,  risk taking and allowing ourselves to be seen, possibly make mistakes, or "fail" does not go away. We just give it less power over us.   

Why is fear of failure so powerful?  We have allowed it to define us negatively instead of seeing the more accurate frame that we are allowing ourselves to risk, stretch, grow, try new things, actually take a step, be seen, and show up.

Showing up is a powerful experience of feeling alive and connected to our lives and others and often described as feeling like "waking up" however in this we also feel more aware of the tensions of vulnerability.  This awareness however uncomfortable it can be let's us know we're doing something that actually requires us to show up.  

There is a moment where we allow ourselves the what if? and maybe I can do this....  Please go with that.