Making sense of how we connect through the lense of how we attach in our relationships.
Most of us aren't very familiar with the ideas behind attachment theory and certainly aren't aware how powerful a role it plays in how we connect with others and engage in our relationships. As we grow in our understanding this week I hope it provides clarity, increased connection and ways we can show up more fully. Take a moment today to consider what comes to your mind as you think of the words trust, closeness and connection.
Those three words are the foundation to how we attach and our struggles that can often come up in our relationships. Attaching simply means an emotional bond with another person. The more intimate the relationship the more we are seeking getting our needs met by them and desiring closeness from this person. For some of us closeness and connection doesn't feel like a fearful process, however for many feeling anxious about our relationships or being uncomfortable with being close can often be a significant source of distress and confusion in our relationships.
The three main types of how we attach are Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. Let me be very clear-- we ALL want closeness and connection, even if we're avoidant and move away from closeness it's something we all want and need. I think honestly this is what causes so much pain and confusion. The very thing we want we may be engaging in a way that it makes it difficult to get and give. When we don't understand our patterns and reactions to feelings of closeness/ vulnerability it can be rather painful and confusing for ourselves and our partners. We might also be taking responsibility or personalizing someone else's way of attaching that has nothing to do with us. A good visual to sum up the differences : anxious pulls on others, avoidant pushes away and secure stands still.
Let's explore anxious attachment... this is driven by the main fear "I want to be close to others but they might not want to be close to me" Fears that we may be difficult to love, or scarcity fears that love and connection are scarce and difficult to have/find usually drive this behavior. {Next week we'll be talking about what to do with our thoughts that impact/ drive our behaviors} It's interesting how this anxiety/fear can look like both a push and pull in our relationships... for some it's all pull but for others we may want to "test" the stability of our partner by pushing... this can create the opposite of closeness that you may desire and at times can create "drama". Where there feels like a push and pull and relational insecurity instead of stability. If this is you there are ways to engage and address this to create more satisfaction and less fear... a huge step in this direction is understanding and awareness... recognizing the fears and triggers that create the push/ pull and learning new ways to engage your fears.
As we look at avoidant attachment it looks very different but ironically is also driven by fears. The fears can be similar and sound like "people won't really love me/ accept me if they knew me" or it can sound more like uber Independence "I don't want to need anyone or anyone need me". Even though this particular fear sounds like Independence it's often actually driven by not wanting to be hurt/ rejected or disappointed. The true reality with avoidant attachment is it's often unsatisfying due to lack of closeness/ intimacy which you can't have if you are always protecting your heart by keeping it at a distance from others. What becomes a very painful combination is the combination of anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. One person is constantly moving towards the other feeling anxiety while the other is pulling away creating a cycle of pain, disconnection and confusion. Like anxious attachment if this particular style resonates with you learning to deal with your fear and pain differently becomes key steps to altering your relationships.
I hope this gave you an increased understanding of attachment. The hope and goal continues to be giving and receiving love more fully. Clearly there's more to being able to do this then just understanding our possible barriers in our attachment style. It's one step in the awareness process . I do hope you continue to ask the powerful question "Is the person I'm seeking connection from capable of being emotionally available?" "Are there ways in which I am not letting love in or out?" brave work, hard but freeing questions.