Blank pages. In-betweens and loss.

Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know.” ― Pema Chödrön

A blank page of any sort can be terrifying— a blank screen, an empty house maybe the loss that “they’re not going to be around anymore tomorrow or the
next day or the next day” or “we worked together for however many years
and now we’re not going to work together anymore.” 

Uncertainty and change that finds us and isn't planned on or chosen can be painful, confusing and be a catalyst for fears.  There are no nice neat answers, formula's to remove discomfort or uncertainty and no clarifying perspectives that help us make sense of it in the initial moment.  We can be flooded with the unnerving feeling "it's not supposed to be like this" or " this isn't what I've planned". 

The reality of change, loss and uncertainty is we do get through it, we always do and it is not the end of the story.  It isn't a clear cut process and actually it often is a great clarifier and invitation to move us into needed change and acceptance and letting go.  

I recognize acceptance and letting go is not an easy task , it never is.  However it is a task that frees us and creates space for other things.  Ironically it can actually move us into better things or a greater sense of healing and peace if we let it.  If we stop trying to fix it, fight it, but allow ourselves to move through it.   Maybe it isn't the problem it initially seems to be. Sometimes it's an answer or a process we really needed.   

Being where you are today fully is no small task, especially if there is grieving in this day.  Just take it one day at a time.  Can I accept today as it is?  Can I trust and surrender that I won't always feel this way and that I don't know how tomorrow will feel, be and hold for me but I am inviting myself towards greater peace and acceptance today. 

You don't have to get it all figured out today.. you can't.  Just be in today and allow hope to meet you in this place.  You can be okay, more then okay and  your story can and will continue and hold good things for you and loss can remain loss too.  There's room for it all including the often times messy package hope and healing come in. 

When Everything Falls Apart

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality.” ― Pema Chödrön

Grief and loss find us in so many ways.  The loss of a loved one, a marriage, a dream, physical capabilities, abuse, and illness are just a few.  I have seen this time and time again both in my office and in my life personally.  Those moments that take our breathe away. The times when we find ourselves grasping frantically at whatever we can use to steady us, fix it or running from feeling anything because it just feels too overwhelmingly painful.   Pain can be so uncomfortable, heavy and scary.  We're not sure when it will end, we desperately want to "fix it", or ourselves and make it go away.  If I just figured this out, or did that, or was that I wouldn't have to feel this way.  I should or shouldn't feel _{fill in the blank} .

The gentle whispered reminder is this.  Your heart is working.  It is meant to grieve and grieving is not something we can or need to fix.  WE CAN'T FIX IT.  We actually have to feel our way through it.  Even if the loss seems so utterly wrong. 

It comes like waves at first close together making it hard to breathe then the waves get further and further apart until the waters are calmer.  There's nothing you magically did to calm the waters , they just became calm when it was time.  Allowing ourselves to comfort, acknowledge and sit with pain is a powerful thing.  A brave thing really.  As we tune into our heart it softens us, I call it that "raw" feeling place.  As we not only acknowledge our heart, but attend to it gently, carefully and with an intention to listen to ourselves there is an unfolding, organic healing that takes place.  We arrive to a place we could not have gone by striving, shaming, fixing or ignoring.   Often times the process of how we engage our pain is the change or instrument of healing we've needed all along.

It is such a fight sometimes to keep our hearts alive, and open.  Finding hope is a vulnerable, healing and courageous pursuit.  May we all be brave.