Blank pages. In-betweens and loss.

Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know.” ― Pema Chödrön

A blank page of any sort can be terrifying— a blank screen, an empty house maybe the loss that “they’re not going to be around anymore tomorrow or the
next day or the next day” or “we worked together for however many years
and now we’re not going to work together anymore.” 

Uncertainty and change that finds us and isn't planned on or chosen can be painful, confusing and be a catalyst for fears.  There are no nice neat answers, formula's to remove discomfort or uncertainty and no clarifying perspectives that help us make sense of it in the initial moment.  We can be flooded with the unnerving feeling "it's not supposed to be like this" or " this isn't what I've planned". 

The reality of change, loss and uncertainty is we do get through it, we always do and it is not the end of the story.  It isn't a clear cut process and actually it often is a great clarifier and invitation to move us into needed change and acceptance and letting go.  

I recognize acceptance and letting go is not an easy task , it never is.  However it is a task that frees us and creates space for other things.  Ironically it can actually move us into better things or a greater sense of healing and peace if we let it.  If we stop trying to fix it, fight it, but allow ourselves to move through it.   Maybe it isn't the problem it initially seems to be. Sometimes it's an answer or a process we really needed.   

Being where you are today fully is no small task, especially if there is grieving in this day.  Just take it one day at a time.  Can I accept today as it is?  Can I trust and surrender that I won't always feel this way and that I don't know how tomorrow will feel, be and hold for me but I am inviting myself towards greater peace and acceptance today. 

You don't have to get it all figured out today.. you can't.  Just be in today and allow hope to meet you in this place.  You can be okay, more then okay and  your story can and will continue and hold good things for you and loss can remain loss too.  There's room for it all including the often times messy package hope and healing come in. 

Becoming an Active Creator of Your Life: Facing Fear

Active creator: Recognizing we can place energy, intention and choices that shape and create our lives.  

We are creating our lives whether we acknowledge it or not. This of course does not mean we can control everything, but it does mean how we engage, show-up and the choices we make have an impact on our lives and the lives of others.  

The first and often hardest step towards being a consciously active creator of our life is allowing ourselves to move through fear.  To see that it possibly isn't as powerful or accurate as we think it is or that we need to wait for it's absence before taking the first step.  I talk to countless innovators, people experiencing success, taking vulnerable steps in relationships and towards change who all can say despite any successes they experience it is a continual facing of fears.   That the feeling of vulnerability,  risk taking and allowing ourselves to be seen, possibly make mistakes, or "fail" does not go away. We just give it less power over us.   

Why is fear of failure so powerful?  We have allowed it to define us negatively instead of seeing the more accurate frame that we are allowing ourselves to risk, stretch, grow, try new things, actually take a step, be seen, and show up.

Showing up is a powerful experience of feeling alive and connected to our lives and others and often described as feeling like "waking up" however in this we also feel more aware of the tensions of vulnerability.  This awareness however uncomfortable it can be let's us know we're doing something that actually requires us to show up.  

There is a moment where we allow ourselves the what if? and maybe I can do this....  Please go with that. 

Numb

"Trying to run away is never the answer to being fully human. Running away from the immediacy of our experience is like preferring death to life.”― Pema Chödrön

Pain and other negative emotions are far from pleasant or comfortable feelings. Our most common responses to it is "How do I stop feeling this way?" or "How do I fix it?". When we focus on not allowing ourselves to feel our feelings we begin the process of disconnecting from our hearts. We may notice this by being very active and involved with life and others but not feeling "really there". Or when really asking ourselves how we feel we struggle to find an answer.

We're not really sure how we feel. Everything feels a little dulled and numb.

There are countless ways to numb ourselves and the costs in the immediacy don't seem high.  

When we're not fully aware of our feelings we start to live from a place that may be far from what we really think, feel and need. We're not fully experiencing anything really. We may begin to base choices that are based on shoulds, guilt, fear, or addiction which could lead to painful self-betrayals.

I don't really feel anything fully. I'm not sure how I really feel. How did I get into this relationship? Why did I stay in this relationship? Why am I really doing this? Why did I say yes/no to this?

What if we felt our feelings painful or positive? What if grieving and negative emotions weren't meant to be fixed but were apart of the larger experience of living.

Allowing ourselves to feel it all ironically actually allows us to feel period. 

An Open Heart

As we enter into a new year it can often be a time of reflection.  A time to catch our breathe and take inventory.   Life continues to be a series of ebbs and flows, gains and losses.  Depending on where the waves of your heart are a new year can be a hopeful new beginning or a painful new chapter.  One of the hardest things to do is to surrender to what is today and remain open to what will be.  I continue to be invited into the miracle of the open heart and the beauty and life it can bring in the midst of every season.  Whatever chapter you are currently in fight to keep your heart open... as hard as it can be I don't think you'll regret it.  It's where your life is actually lived, and actually living your life is no small task.