Numb

"Trying to run away is never the answer to being fully human. Running away from the immediacy of our experience is like preferring death to life.”― Pema Chödrön

Pain and other negative emotions are far from pleasant or comfortable feelings. Our most common responses to it is "How do I stop feeling this way?" or "How do I fix it?". When we focus on not allowing ourselves to feel our feelings we begin the process of disconnecting from our hearts. We may notice this by being very active and involved with life and others but not feeling "really there". Or when really asking ourselves how we feel we struggle to find an answer.

We're not really sure how we feel. Everything feels a little dulled and numb.

There are countless ways to numb ourselves and the costs in the immediacy don't seem high.  

When we're not fully aware of our feelings we start to live from a place that may be far from what we really think, feel and need. We're not fully experiencing anything really. We may begin to base choices that are based on shoulds, guilt, fear, or addiction which could lead to painful self-betrayals.

I don't really feel anything fully. I'm not sure how I really feel. How did I get into this relationship? Why did I stay in this relationship? Why am I really doing this? Why did I say yes/no to this?

What if we felt our feelings painful or positive? What if grieving and negative emotions weren't meant to be fixed but were apart of the larger experience of living.

Allowing ourselves to feel it all ironically actually allows us to feel period. 

An Open Heart

As we enter into a new year it can often be a time of reflection.  A time to catch our breathe and take inventory.   Life continues to be a series of ebbs and flows, gains and losses.  Depending on where the waves of your heart are a new year can be a hopeful new beginning or a painful new chapter.  One of the hardest things to do is to surrender to what is today and remain open to what will be.  I continue to be invited into the miracle of the open heart and the beauty and life it can bring in the midst of every season.  Whatever chapter you are currently in fight to keep your heart open... as hard as it can be I don't think you'll regret it.  It's where your life is actually lived, and actually living your life is no small task.

When Everything Falls Apart

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality.” ― Pema Chödrön

Grief and loss find us in so many ways.  The loss of a loved one, a marriage, a dream, physical capabilities, abuse, and illness are just a few.  I have seen this time and time again both in my office and in my life personally.  Those moments that take our breathe away. The times when we find ourselves grasping frantically at whatever we can use to steady us, fix it or running from feeling anything because it just feels too overwhelmingly painful.   Pain can be so uncomfortable, heavy and scary.  We're not sure when it will end, we desperately want to "fix it", or ourselves and make it go away.  If I just figured this out, or did that, or was that I wouldn't have to feel this way.  I should or shouldn't feel _{fill in the blank} .

The gentle whispered reminder is this.  Your heart is working.  It is meant to grieve and grieving is not something we can or need to fix.  WE CAN'T FIX IT.  We actually have to feel our way through it.  Even if the loss seems so utterly wrong. 

It comes like waves at first close together making it hard to breathe then the waves get further and further apart until the waters are calmer.  There's nothing you magically did to calm the waters , they just became calm when it was time.  Allowing ourselves to comfort, acknowledge and sit with pain is a powerful thing.  A brave thing really.  As we tune into our heart it softens us, I call it that "raw" feeling place.  As we not only acknowledge our heart, but attend to it gently, carefully and with an intention to listen to ourselves there is an unfolding, organic healing that takes place.  We arrive to a place we could not have gone by striving, shaming, fixing or ignoring.   Often times the process of how we engage our pain is the change or instrument of healing we've needed all along.

It is such a fight sometimes to keep our hearts alive, and open.  Finding hope is a vulnerable, healing and courageous pursuit.  May we all be brave.

Boundaries: An Invitation into Emotional Self-Care

"It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly.  Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.  It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary.  It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives."

The above quote draws several important thoughts that can be rather liberating.  I have had significant change in my life and have witnessed dramatic change in the lives of those who enter my office when we have a deep, true understanding of the "role" we play in our own lives.  The idea that I am actively making choices and my actions have an impact on the life I am creating and the way I am engaging in relationships.    

Boundaries are not about shutting people out or living fearfully.  If anything they free us to be closer to safe people, more aware of our own emotions and becomes an indicator of toxic behaviors of others that we are not responsible for but they are choosing. 

The beginning steps of boundaries begins with ourselves.  Our own emotional self-awareness.  What doesn't feel good about certain situations, knowing what I actually feel not what I think I "should" feel, or those around me expect of me.   The next step is actually setting boundaries with others.  This is where we become more aware of the feelings/fears/unnecessary guilt that cause us to not say no, let go or make different choices with others.  Strengthening your internal boundaries is a process the process of living the"you matter and I do too" truth.  It's where we are still obviously involved with the lives of others but no longer taking responsibility for things we can't fix, change, control or carry in/for others.  Which is something we will never be able to do successfully and is often the cause of pain in all parties involved.  If we remember any truth that can free us it's that I can't fix, change, control anyone ever.